Saturday, February 10, 2007
Smart or stoopid?
A short, quick, timed I.Q. test of sorts. The timer clock was kind of intimidating. Oh, the pressure!
My results:
Be careful where you snorkel
Man Accused of Shooting Snorkeler Says He Thought Man Was A Large Rat
A man accused of shooting a snorkeler in the head told investigators that he mistook the swimmer for a large, water-dwelling rodent.
Sixty-year-old William Roderick of Reedsport was arraigned Thursday in Douglas County Circuit Court on assault and other charges.
The victim, 44-year-old John Chessman, of Marcola, remains in serious condition at Oregon Health and Science University Hospital in Portland.
Roderick told detectives he saw what he believed to be a nutria swimming in the Smith River. Sheriff's spokesman Dwes Hutson says he grabbed a rifle and shot at the rodent from a deck overlooking the water.
After realizing that Chessman was not a nutria, Roderick helped pull him from the water.
Early jobs of famous people
Rod Stewart, the grave digger
Michael Dell, the dishwasher
Sean "Diddy" Combs: paperboy
Hitler, the postcard painter
Sylvester Stalone, the lion cage cleaner
Jerry Seinfeld, light bulb seller
Stephen King, the janitor (in girls locker room where he became inspired to write the novel “Carrie”)
What the power company doesn't want you to know
This is really interesting…. and amazing!
Candle Power - Who Needs Batteries? - video powered by Metacafe
Friday, February 09, 2007
Free WI-FI in St. Louis?
According to the St. Louis Post Dispatch and STLToday:
By late this summer, AT&T Inc. could provide free wireless access to the Internet throughout downtown in the first phase of a proposed Wi-Fi network covering all of St. Louis.
The plan is expected to come up Friday for final approval by the Board of Aldermen. If approved, AT&T Inc. would start building the network this spring in a two-square-mile area stretching from downtown west to St. Louis University. The rest of the city could have access within three years.
AT&T has been negotiating for nearly a year with Mayor Francis Slay's office and with other city officials, Alderman Matt Villa, D-11th Ward, said Thursday at a meeting of the public utilities committee. The agreement would allow AT&T to install the network downtown first, then expand into the rest of the city if officials like it.
The proposal is to have 20 hours a month for free anywhere in the city. More time would require a fee. The vote by the Board of Aldermen was supposed to be today.
What a way to go....
The old man died while he was making love with his old wife. They made love every Sunday morning to the rhythm of the church bells, nice and slow, and then that ice cream truck came along.
…after Hoohaa replaced Vagina recently. Confused?
Horse - It's what's for dinner
“I quickly found out, however, that it's just about impossible to get a good piece of horse in the U.S. “
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Take us to your leader....
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and the younger of the two aliens addressed it and its round glass face.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The petrol pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response, and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, the younger alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that. You really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the petrol pump and fired.
There was a huge petrol explosion.
A massive fireball roared outwards and towards him and blew the younger Alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes, and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green glassy head. "What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It darn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh of the younger alien, and shared some knowledge.
"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien, "when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."
Hard working duck
A duck walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer".
The bartender says "Hey! where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"
And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"
Pregnant
Woman goes into labor yells, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Can’t!”
She was having contractions.
Creative revenge
This guy drives up to his house and the place where he usually parks is full of snow. So, he parks in a nearby parking lot and walks back home to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house.
it takes hours to shovel, but finally done, he walks back to the lot to get his car. When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.
What most people do is write nasty notes, etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Police sometimes get involved, however, when the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.
So, this guy decides to get creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty note, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water of course froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized popsicle.
The note on the car read, "You want the space? Here. It's yours until spring!"
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Guide to Lacing Sneakers
I had no idea there was more than one way to lace your shoes. I guess I knew you could do it other ways…but I never did. I need to get out more..
Here are just a few examples:
At the rodeo
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached That said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if It was with the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and he is expected to make a full recovery.
Thanks Joe P
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
The eye exam
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
HandzOff
Dog story
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .
Liver alone. Cheese mine."
Houston, we have a problem
Astronaut charged with attempted murder
A NASA astronaut accused of trying to kidnap a romantic rival for a space shuttle pilot's affections was charged with attempted first-degree murder Tuesday and jailed on $25,000 bail.
"The intent was there to do serious bodily injury or death," said Orlando Police Sgt. Barb Jones, referring to a new steel mallet, knife, rubber tubing and large garbage bags that police found in Lisa Marie Nowak's possession.
Police said Nowak drove 900 miles, donned a disguise and was armed with a BB gun and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut.
Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.
Phone math
Grab a calculator. you probably won’t be able to do this in your head.
Key in the first 3 digits of your phone number (not the area code)
Multiply by 80
Add 1
Multiply by 250
Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.
Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again (just for good measure)
Subtract 250
Divide your answer by 2.
Do you recognize the answer?
If you did the correct math the answer should be your phone number.
Thanks Joe P
Monday, February 05, 2007
A call to the firehouse
"Send someone over quick! " the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"
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